Dean actually was relieved at her reaction to his comment, because the reaction was completely in character for her, and as much as she might think he wanted her to pretend to be something she wasn't, that wasn't what he was aiming for at all. It was her he needed right now, to bring him whatever solace he hoped to get from this. The feeling of her lips coursing down into the hollow of his neck caused his eyes to flicker closed again tightly, as he tried to steady his own breathing or at least shift so that she wouldn't find herself leaning against his now rather tight jeans.
He didn't know what he expected her to say - to joke back with him, or to deny him suddenly, or... anything but what actually tumbled out.
I love you.
It wasn't the first time she'd said it to him. But it was the first time she'd actually said it, stripped of any pretense or dissembling.
And to be completely and entirely honest, it was the first time a girl had actually said it to him and meant it like that... at all. There'd been girls who'd spilled it out before, sure, but that was always his hint to take off and run, because those girls were usually emotional barslut wrecks who thought his one night with them actually meant something, when it was all just fun to him. He'd never had anyone... hold him this way, like she was honest to god putting her heart in his hands. Even Cassie had kept more guarded than this. Claire was trusting him entirely.
It twisted something deep in his gut, the first real stab of guilt he'd had during this entire encounter, but at the same time, it was that, exactly that, which he realized he'd needed out of this. It was her love he wanted to siphon off from each touch, her forgiveness for every flaw in him. The sort of love he wanted to believe really existed in the universe, that just kept failing him. Unconditional love. Of family, or God, or this.
God's love wasn't real. Sam's wasn't what he'd thought it was. And there hadn't been anyone else in his life who hadn't ended up being driven away from him, or abandoning him, just like his "mother" had said to him in heaven.
Even if that kind of love did exist, he'd lost his faith that he deserved it, or would ever receive it.
But her faith in him right now was clear, and it sent shivers coursing through him as he just nodded, almost numbly, before sliding away enough to look down at her again.
He couldn't tell her he loved her back, because she'd know he was lying, or at the least, vastly stretching the truth. So he wouldn't offer her lies.
"I don't want to hurt you, Claire," was what he said instead, because it was more true than 'I'd never hurt you'. After all, what the hell was he doing right now? What he gave her was both hurting and helping her, satisfying her and ruining her, but he was hoping that the good outweighed the negatives. The back of his fingers brushed her cheek, and he kissed her again, though it was markedly gentler this time, as if he were afraid of what he might do. Afraid of getting caught back up in that raging desperate drive again. But still, he wasn't about to let her go, not yet, anyways, and his fingers moved further up the skin of her back, testing the waters.
no subject
He didn't know what he expected her to say - to joke back with him, or to deny him suddenly, or... anything but what actually tumbled out.
I love you.
It wasn't the first time she'd said it to him. But it was the first time she'd actually said it, stripped of any pretense or dissembling.
And to be completely and entirely honest, it was the first time a girl had actually said it to him and meant it like that... at all. There'd been girls who'd spilled it out before, sure, but that was always his hint to take off and run, because those girls were usually emotional barslut wrecks who thought his one night with them actually meant something, when it was all just fun to him. He'd never had anyone... hold him this way, like she was honest to god putting her heart in his hands. Even Cassie had kept more guarded than this. Claire was trusting him entirely.
It twisted something deep in his gut, the first real stab of guilt he'd had during this entire encounter, but at the same time, it was that, exactly that, which he realized he'd needed out of this. It was her love he wanted to siphon off from each touch, her forgiveness for every flaw in him. The sort of love he wanted to believe really existed in the universe, that just kept failing him. Unconditional love. Of family, or God, or this.
God's love wasn't real. Sam's wasn't what he'd thought it was. And there hadn't been anyone else in his life who hadn't ended up being driven away from him, or abandoning him, just like his "mother" had said to him in heaven.
Even if that kind of love did exist, he'd lost his faith that he deserved it, or would ever receive it.
But her faith in him right now was clear, and it sent shivers coursing through him as he just nodded, almost numbly, before sliding away enough to look down at her again.
He couldn't tell her he loved her back, because she'd know he was lying, or at the least, vastly stretching the truth. So he wouldn't offer her lies.
"I don't want to hurt you, Claire," was what he said instead, because it was more true than 'I'd never hurt you'. After all, what the hell was he doing right now? What he gave her was both hurting and helping her, satisfying her and ruining her, but he was hoping that the good outweighed the negatives. The back of his fingers brushed her cheek, and he kissed her again, though it was markedly gentler this time, as if he were afraid of what he might do. Afraid of getting caught back up in that raging desperate drive again. But still, he wasn't about to let her go, not yet, anyways, and his fingers moved further up the skin of her back, testing the waters.