"Not hurt. Break. You can't fix some things once they're broken." She explained slowly, trying to get him to understand exactly how much this meant to her, how much he meant to her. Of course he didn't want to hurt her, or cause her any pain, and she so blindly clung to those beliefs that she didn't let herself think anything bad was going to happen from this. She was so terrified and nervous that she was now trembling, but she let herself hold out hope that this was going to go okay. She had to, because he didn't have any hope left. That was why she was here, wasn't it?
He couldn't tell her that he even cared for her a little and that stung, making her glad that her eyes were closed as they kissed, so the tears that were building wouldn't escape. Because nothing said buzzkill better than tears, and the last thing she wanted was to cry on him during this. But it hurt so much to feel the way she did, and to know that nothing was ever going to come of it. He couldn't even say that he valued her, and she just silently accepted and took it. She was sacrificing her own dignity and happiness, and she was basically handing him over the key to her heart. But he wasn't going to take it, he was just going to steal it away from the guy who deserved it, and she was just going to let him. She didn't know if that made her stupid, a whore, or just plain pathetic. Probably a mixture of all three.
The fact that this kiss was gentle compared to the first one calmed her slightly, it made her feel that she could lie to herself and say that this was real. That he did love her, and he was just too afraid to say so, and that after tonight they were going to be happy and everyone would be happy for them. Lying to herself made it easier to push her own self-doubt away, and for her to warm up to him, but she never quite got back the hungry desperation she had during their first kiss. Now she was simply letting him touch her, and letting him kiss her, and she was a bundle of raw emotion that he could move around as he needed and wanted.
She was still warm against him and receptive, however, and her plentiful feelings for him still flooded out of her and into him. But she feared it wasn't going to be enough, that one girl in love with him wasn't going to change anything. If God wasn't listening, if he wasn't there for Dean, what hope did her feelings for him have of fixing what was wrong? She felt as if everything for everyone was riding on her in this motel room, and if she failed to make Dean happy and forgive himself, then she was going to fail all of the people that they both loved. The thought that she was failing them just by letting this happen hadn't occurred to her yet, she was still too busy trying to stop being tentative while attempting to stop sitting on the massively uncomfortable bulge in his pants.
At least she could take some pride in knowing she did that to him.
no subject
He couldn't tell her that he even cared for her a little and that stung, making her glad that her eyes were closed as they kissed, so the tears that were building wouldn't escape. Because nothing said buzzkill better than tears, and the last thing she wanted was to cry on him during this. But it hurt so much to feel the way she did, and to know that nothing was ever going to come of it. He couldn't even say that he valued her, and she just silently accepted and took it. She was sacrificing her own dignity and happiness, and she was basically handing him over the key to her heart. But he wasn't going to take it, he was just going to steal it away from the guy who deserved it, and she was just going to let him. She didn't know if that made her stupid, a whore, or just plain pathetic. Probably a mixture of all three.
The fact that this kiss was gentle compared to the first one calmed her slightly, it made her feel that she could lie to herself and say that this was real. That he did love her, and he was just too afraid to say so, and that after tonight they were going to be happy and everyone would be happy for them. Lying to herself made it easier to push her own self-doubt away, and for her to warm up to him, but she never quite got back the hungry desperation she had during their first kiss. Now she was simply letting him touch her, and letting him kiss her, and she was a bundle of raw emotion that he could move around as he needed and wanted.
She was still warm against him and receptive, however, and her plentiful feelings for him still flooded out of her and into him. But she feared it wasn't going to be enough, that one girl in love with him wasn't going to change anything. If God wasn't listening, if he wasn't there for Dean, what hope did her feelings for him have of fixing what was wrong? She felt as if everything for everyone was riding on her in this motel room, and if she failed to make Dean happy and forgive himself, then she was going to fail all of the people that they both loved. The thought that she was failing them just by letting this happen hadn't occurred to her yet, she was still too busy trying to stop being tentative while attempting to stop sitting on the massively uncomfortable bulge in his pants.
At least she could take some pride in knowing she did that to him.