He felt her hands on her face, gently pulling him away from where his lips and tongue curved against her shoulder, and he wasn't sure what to expect. But when his eyes met hers, he could see the difference written there: the sudden guilt and trepidation, and he knew it was nobody's fault but his that her eyes spoke volumes about both those things now.
We can't do this, she said, and he knew that she meant take this further, especially when she alluded to waiting. But there was still something of his own fear within him that caused him to momentarily misinterpret her saying he didn't deserve this. Of course she meant that he deserved more than just... some one night stand with another guy's girlfriend or something, but just the way it was phrased set off his own personal triggers.
Because he didn't deserve even this much from her. And he was just taking it anyways. His eyes did try to slide away from hers, but she wasn't having it, and so finally, they settled back searchingly upon her gaze.
Part of him wanted to agree with her - Percy's a good kid, but he couldn't bring himself to steer her down that line of conversation because it would mean the abrupt and sudden end of this, no argument. They couldn't go talking about her boyfriend and then right back down cheating lane. That was what it was, after all - cheating. He finally let the word enter his mind, but it was difficult to reconcile with the Claire he knew. And it didn't feel like cheating at anything. I mean, that made it sound so easy.
Watching her face like this, that wasn't easy. Sculpting these next words of his? Wasn't easy either.
"I'm probably bein' a real dick, doin' this to you," he admitted, slowly. "I know that. And you're the one who deserves better. But..." He hadn't meant for that to come out, that but, but there it was, and the rest just poured out, against his will.
"But Claire, I need this."
He hoped she wouldn't take it to mean he needed to... have sex with her right then, because as much as that might have been where things were going moments ago, he didn't consciously want them to. He meant he didn't needed her, what she had to offer him right now. It was a selfish thing to say, a horribly selfish thing, and he knew it but
he was so tired of being selfless, all the goddamn time.
He was tired of thinking about every single other person, the people he had to save, the people whose lives meant he couldn't just say yes to Michael and be done fighting, of thinking about Sammy and giving everything up for him only to find out...
He was just too tired to fight what he was craving, just this once.
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We can't do this, she said, and he knew that she meant take this further, especially when she alluded to waiting. But there was still something of his own fear within him that caused him to momentarily misinterpret her saying he didn't deserve this. Of course she meant that he deserved more than just... some one night stand with another guy's girlfriend or something, but just the way it was phrased set off his own personal triggers.
Because he didn't deserve even this much from her. And he was just taking it anyways. His eyes did try to slide away from hers, but she wasn't having it, and so finally, they settled back searchingly upon her gaze.
Part of him wanted to agree with her - Percy's a good kid, but he couldn't bring himself to steer her down that line of conversation because it would mean the abrupt and sudden end of this, no argument. They couldn't go talking about her boyfriend and then right back down cheating lane. That was what it was, after all - cheating. He finally let the word enter his mind, but it was difficult to reconcile with the Claire he knew. And it didn't feel like cheating at anything. I mean, that made it sound so easy.
Watching her face like this, that wasn't easy. Sculpting these next words of his? Wasn't easy either.
"I'm probably bein' a real dick, doin' this to you," he admitted, slowly. "I know that. And you're the one who deserves better. But..." He hadn't meant for that to come out, that but, but there it was, and the rest just poured out, against his will.
"But Claire, I need this."
He hoped she wouldn't take it to mean he needed to... have sex with her right then, because as much as that might have been where things were going moments ago, he didn't consciously want them to. He meant he didn't needed her, what she had to offer him right now. It was a selfish thing to say, a horribly selfish thing, and he knew it but
he was so tired of being selfless, all the goddamn time.
He was tired of thinking about every single other person, the people he had to save, the people whose lives meant he couldn't just say yes to Michael and be done fighting, of thinking about Sammy and giving everything up for him only to find out...
He was just too tired to fight what he was craving, just this once.