She was grateful that he wasn't looking at her anymore, because his last plea tugged at her heart enough that she did start crying, despite her best attempts not to. She knew that he'd feel the tears, even if she was crying silently, not allowing herself to give out any sobs. Her cheek nuzzled up against his, and she held onto his hand with no intention of letting go.
"I'm here, Dean." She reassured him, her voice thick and heavy as she attempted to hide the fact that she was crying. It was obvious that she was, she didn't need to draw further attention to it.
"I'm staying." This was said more for her benefit than his, a statement of accepting that her life really sucked and that her one night with Dean was going to be the most depressing moment of her life.
She took in several steadying breaths as she realized she had begun to shake with the effort of not breaking down in an emotional downpour. She could do this, it was only one night. He needed her, and she really did need him just as much now that he understood exactly how she felt for him. When it came down to it, she was still just a scared little girl, and she needed the reassurance and the comfort probably more than he did. He was going to be able to bounce back and move on to the next girl, where it was going to take her a long while to get over this night, if she ever did.
"Do you think that if things were different, you could let yourself love me?" She wondered, surprising even herself by the way her voice didn't break and she didn't crumble in the midst of speaking. She had to know what he'd say, she needed to know so she could force herself to begin moving on.
He had said that he didn't know what he wanted, and she respected and understood that. But with what he was asking her to do, she didn't think just one question was going to hurt him. It couldn't be her always giving, and him taking what she had to offer. "I told Cas that I was ready to die for everyone we know, for you. There isn't anything more real or filled with love than that, is there? I just want to matter too, regardless of if Sam and Zebra are together."
Now she was making noises that gave away the fact she was crying, if her earlier tears streaming down her face and coming into contact with his weren't sign enough. She kept her face against his, and their hands intertwined, because even this minimal contact was so bitterly sweet that it helped confirm that all of this hurt was worth it.
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"I'm here, Dean." She reassured him, her voice thick and heavy as she attempted to hide the fact that she was crying. It was obvious that she was, she didn't need to draw further attention to it.
"I'm staying." This was said more for her benefit than his, a statement of accepting that her life really sucked and that her one night with Dean was going to be the most depressing moment of her life.
She took in several steadying breaths as she realized she had begun to shake with the effort of not breaking down in an emotional downpour. She could do this, it was only one night. He needed her, and she really did need him just as much now that he understood exactly how she felt for him. When it came down to it, she was still just a scared little girl, and she needed the reassurance and the comfort probably more than he did. He was going to be able to bounce back and move on to the next girl, where it was going to take her a long while to get over this night, if she ever did.
"Do you think that if things were different, you could let yourself love me?" She wondered, surprising even herself by the way her voice didn't break and she didn't crumble in the midst of speaking. She had to know what he'd say, she needed to know so she could force herself to begin moving on.
He had said that he didn't know what he wanted, and she respected and understood that. But with what he was asking her to do, she didn't think just one question was going to hurt him. It couldn't be her always giving, and him taking what she had to offer. "I told Cas that I was ready to die for everyone we know, for you. There isn't anything more real or filled with love than that, is there? I just want to matter too, regardless of if Sam and Zebra are together."
Now she was making noises that gave away the fact she was crying, if her earlier tears streaming down her face and coming into contact with his weren't sign enough. She kept her face against his, and their hands intertwined, because even this minimal contact was so bitterly sweet that it helped confirm that all of this hurt was worth it.