"You're not making me cry. It's just life that is." That was the truth, at least. "I'm trying not to, it just...hurts." She was a little bewildered as she admitted that, because she was always so quick to point out to everyone that she couldn't feel pain at all.
His hand moving through her hair actually comforted her enough to not let herself keep crying. They only had this moment together, and once it was over, everything was going to be different. They could never go back to how they were, she wouldn't ever be allowed to just go off on fishing trips with him, and she'd never be able to even talk to him again without feeling overwhelming guilt. Knowing this was it, this was all there ever was going to be gave her a sense of urgency to cling to him a little tighter, to press a kiss to his chest.
"Don't be sad, please. Neither of us are allowed to be. I want to remember this as being perfect." Another kiss was placed, this time to the area above his heart. The sound and feel of it thumping gave her reassurance, something solid and real to ground herself with. Really, she just wanted to pretend that they were happy and this was perfect, which wasn't what Dean needed. He needed to talk, and to explain what his life was about, and he needed to share his burden with someone else who could support him. She was strong enough to, she knew that she was, she just had to get over being selfish for long enough to stop feeling sorry for herself.
"Tell me everything." She insisted before she could change her mind, lifting her head so she could make eye contact with him once again. She was calm now, and she had a resigned sense of strength. "I'm ready to know."
She pulled herself as close to him as their bodies would allow, and her fingers curled into the material of his shirt. Her hands balled into fists and then she moved her hands so his shirt curled around them as well, and she leaned forward to rest her chin on his shoulder. She realized that they were cuddling, and it almost made her want to laugh. She couldn't have sex with Dean, but she could get him to cuddle. That in itself was probably more amazing than the fact that they were going to sleep in the same bed and not sleep together. It was so amazing, that she actually allowed herself to laugh a little, and she turned her head so that her forehead was pressed up against his cheek and her face was buried up against his neck. It was comforting there, safe, it felt like she fit and belonged there.
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His hand moving through her hair actually comforted her enough to not let herself keep crying. They only had this moment together, and once it was over, everything was going to be different. They could never go back to how they were, she wouldn't ever be allowed to just go off on fishing trips with him, and she'd never be able to even talk to him again without feeling overwhelming guilt. Knowing this was it, this was all there ever was going to be gave her a sense of urgency to cling to him a little tighter, to press a kiss to his chest.
"Don't be sad, please. Neither of us are allowed to be. I want to remember this as being perfect." Another kiss was placed, this time to the area above his heart. The sound and feel of it thumping gave her reassurance, something solid and real to ground herself with. Really, she just wanted to pretend that they were happy and this was perfect, which wasn't what Dean needed. He needed to talk, and to explain what his life was about, and he needed to share his burden with someone else who could support him. She was strong enough to, she knew that she was, she just had to get over being selfish for long enough to stop feeling sorry for herself.
"Tell me everything." She insisted before she could change her mind, lifting her head so she could make eye contact with him once again. She was calm now, and she had a resigned sense of strength. "I'm ready to know."
She pulled herself as close to him as their bodies would allow, and her fingers curled into the material of his shirt. Her hands balled into fists and then she moved her hands so his shirt curled around them as well, and she leaned forward to rest her chin on his shoulder. She realized that they were cuddling, and it almost made her want to laugh. She couldn't have sex with Dean, but she could get him to cuddle. That in itself was probably more amazing than the fact that they were going to sleep in the same bed and not sleep together. It was so amazing, that she actually allowed herself to laugh a little, and she turned her head so that her forehead was pressed up against his cheek and her face was buried up against his neck. It was comforting there, safe, it felt like she fit and belonged there.