sixwordstories : do you want the truth or something beautiful?

[likedillinger]

Who: Dean and Brooke Davis (ihadmittenson )
What:  Dean says his final good-bye.  And takes his last opportunity to tell Brooke the truth.
When:  Wednesday.  Following 5x17, 99 Problems
Where:  Tree Hill, NC; Brooke's place
Note:  Banner made by secretlytodream 
Verse:  Brave New World

The familiar stretches of highway actually looked different to him this time.  It took him a couple states to figure out exactly why.  It wasn't the space between one goodbye and the next.

It was actually seven goodbyes.

There were the ones he couldn't actually say: everyone back in New York, and Cas, and above all these, Sam.  The only goodbye he could afford his brother was the sound of the car driving off.  It was better that way.  There'd have been a scene otherwise, and a fight, and that's not how he wanted Sam to remember their last moments together.  He'd rather it just be normal one minute, and over the next.  No chick flick scenes.  No explanations that he might not be able to put into words.  No guilt leveled on top of what was already there.

No having to look Sam in the eyes and admit what he was going to do.

There was the goodbye he'd said on Sunday, after spending a day tracking Lisa down.  It was a farewell to a dream that he'd held on to in the secret chambers of his heart: the picket fence. 

The family. 

As he cruised down the same expressways and routes he'd been traveling for as long as he could remember, he'd realized that was the third goodbye.   This was his home, or as close as it got.  The open road, and the highways and byways of the continental United States, that he knew like the back of his hand.  Like they were a well-worn paper route.  There was comfort in them: in the lines as they flashed by, in the rest stops that were all of one mold.  As he passed along them this time, an equally worn smile touched the edge of his lips, though there was no joy underlying it. 

The Impala purred along the roads towards his second to last destination, and his smile flickered out a bit thinking of that fourth goodbye.  There'd be no Paradise for his baby, after all.  He doubted Michael was going to decide he wanted a slick ride to take along.  Who knew where she'd end up.  His hand all but caressed the steering wheel as he tried to pretend that maybe she'd be waiting for him again in heaven.

The fifth goodbye was the easy one.  It was saying goodbye to the job, and he was almost sickened by how easy it was for him to do.  He might have given Sam a lot of shit for being able to talk about settling down and dropping the business after this was 'over' but in truth, he was more than ready to be done.  To let someone else take up the mantle.   Honestly, he was just plain tired. 

The sixth was where he was heading now.  He concentrated on that one, seeing as how he wasn't sure he was ready to face the seventh yet. 

The last goodbye would be to everything that made him him, after all.

The Impala pulled up in front of Brooke's and he set her in park and sat there for a moment, staring out the window and trying to decide whether this was really what he wanted to do.  But he knew it was.  He wasn't going to leave this world without giving her the truth.

He owed her that much.

And beyond that, even more important, really: he'd never have another chance to let her see the real him.  And he wanted her to know.  Know some of it, at least. 

He still couldn't put into words why, but he'd had lots of time to think about it on the drive.  To think about how Lisa and Ben had been a promise for something that might have been his, in an ideal world.  A link back to his past even.

Brooke, on the other hand, had been his anchor to reality for a couple months now - a link back to the real world, and even to a potential future in it. 

He should have known better, really, to even let himself entertain that idea. 

The door slammed behind him, and he stuck both hands in his pockets as he walked slowly up the pathway to the front door.  After a moment, he rapped on it three times. 

Comments

[dedicatedbitch]

She noticed when he went to move and visibly stiffened. Even though he stopped himself, the fear still returned to her eyes. It was hard to believe that she had hugged him earlier without even giving it a second thought.

"What are you talking about?"

She didn't even bother to respond to the part about Sylar and Claire. It hadn't taken her long at all to decide that she never wanted to speak to them again, despite how much they meant. After she called Sam to tell him she had seen Dean, like she said she would, she'd be done with them.

The last part that he added on was enough to break through her walls. Tears filled her eyes as watched him. She didn't even bother trying to blink them away.

Wasn't that exactly what she'd been wanting? To know that Dean cared about her, to know that she actually meant something? Those words should have filled her with happiness or excitement. Instead, she just felt like her chest had been ripped apart.

"How, exactly, are you going to do that? Because it sounds like you're planning on disappearing again, leaving behind everyone that cares about you." Tears were now falling down her cheeks, and her voice cracked as she spoke. "Leaving me behind."

Even though she thought he was absolutely nuts, she still cared. That wasn't something that was just going to disappear, and that scared her just as much as the conversation.

[like-dillinger.livejournal.com]

And now she was crying, or at least about to be, and he really doubted it was because she'd figured out it was the end of the world. He tried not to let it affect him as he continued.

"Because I'm going to see some... really powerful people, ok? People who can make sure nothing bad happens to you when all this goes down." He spoke in earnest, determined to push past her incredulity, and make sure all these words were locked in her memory, so that when the time came when she couldn't deny there was some truth in what he'd said, she'd remember this.

"I... can't stay, Brooke. There's somethin' I gotta do, whether anyone else understands it or not. I know Sam doesn't, but it's... the only way." There was a little extra thickness in his voice when he mentioned Sam. That still wasn't easy for him to think about, and it added some queasiness to the hole in his stomach. "You've gotta know, I wouldn't leave if there was really some other way but ... we're outta options."

He hesitated for a moment, before finally just manning up and spitting it out, because, really, what did he have to lose at this point?

"I wouldn't leave you, if I didn't have to."

[dedicatedbitch]

"There has to be another way," she said with a shake of her head. "There's always another way."

She had no idea how she had gotten to this point. Every instinct she had was screaming at her to get rid of him, to push him out her front door and forget about him. And yet, when he talked about not being able to stay, she found it a little hard to breathe.

Then he had to go and actually admit, in so many words, that he cared. That he didn't want to leave her. It wasn't him trying to make her feel better - at least, she didn't think it was because it certainly didn't - and it wasn't some vague hint at his feelings. It was Dean, telling her what she'd longed to hear since that stupid phone call that nearly ruined everything.

Brooke watched him for a moment before she finally broke down, her hands moving to cover her face. It was too much; it would've been easier for him to come here, explain his crazy take on life and leave her thinking he hated her.

Leave her thinking he didn't want her.

"Don't go," she choked out, her voice muffled by her hands. "Please. Just... don't."

[like-dillinger.livejournal.com]

The yearning that filled his heart at her refusal to believe this was the only option was almost staggering, because in her openly vulnerable state, shedding tears over the injustice of all this, he could see exactly what he felt reflected on her face, and what he couldn't express so easily. It was just overwhelmingly not fair that there was no other way. And up until this past week, he would have said the same thing she was saying.

That there had to be another way.

But that was the hard truth that he'd had to go through so much to learn: sometimes there were things you couldn't fight.

But her sudden pleas, the way her expression just crumbled, made him sure as hell want to. A tiny voice in the back of his mind kept yelling at him that there were plenty of things still worth fighting for, but it was drowned out by too many other internal arguments now.

If nothing else, him being able to kill the Whore of Babylon proved one thing: there was really no turning back now. He'd made his choice, and he knew it.

"It's too late. I've got to, Brooke." He hesitated another moment, but finally couldn't take it any longer and crossed the space between them in a few long strides, raising a hand to her cheek so she'd look up at him. Was she crying like this because she thought he was really insane, because she knew that he was hurting Sam, or because...

she seriously was that upset about losing him?

It was a pretty damn sobering possibility.

His hand ghosted against her skin, against her hair, her shoulder, afraid to land anywhere for too long, because she might shake him off, run towards the door, order him out.

He'd been there before, after all.

But before she could do that, he was determined to say something to make her understand that he wasn't doing this to abandon any of them. He was doing it because it was the only thing he had left to give to help them.

"Brooke, I have to," he said, more than a little desperation coloring his tone. "I have to, ok? ... But, you've gotta know somethin'. You... I..." There was obvious strain on his face as he tried to formulate how to say this and say it right. His voice dropped, and he spoke deliberately when he finally found what he was searching for.

"Look, if... If I could have loved anybody? If I was even capable of that still?" His eyes held hers, determined to not let her slip away from him yet, not just send him packing on the entirely wrong note. There were no do overs this time.

"It would've been you."

[dedicatedbitch]

"No," she said, almost pleaded, when he said it was too late.

The hand against her cheek caused her to stiffen briefly and, after a moment, she swallowed hard and dropped her hands. She looked up at Dean's face, but she couldn't handle looking at him. As she looked away, tears streamed silently down her face.

There was still fear clawing up her spine, telling her to step away from him, out of his grasp. But he was leaving and the idea of never seeing him again caused her to stay still. She didn't lean into his touches, but she didn't pull away either.

When he said her name again, she looked at his face, her own crumpling more when he continued speaking. Though a part of her wanted to grab the front of his shirt and hold on for dear life, like it could make him stay, she just wrapped her arms around herself.

She surprised herself when she briefly wished that Dean had just stayed away. This was too hard; how was she supposed to keep herself together when he dangled this in front of her, just to tear it away? How was she supposed to deal with this?

It didn't even enter her mind to ask where he was going. All that mattered was that he was leaving and not coming back. That this was final, and the heaviness of that was too much for her shoulders.

Her eyes didn't drop when he spoke, but she couldn't stop crying. If anything, what he said just made it worse. She started shaking slightly, but was otherwise silent.

Until he said it could've been her. He could've loved her. At that, Brooke let out a choked sob and finally dropped his gaze. Her hands moved away from her body to beat against his chest weakly, like it could change anything.

"You can't do this," she sobbed, unable to look at his face again. "This isn't fair, Dean."

Eventually her hands stilled, curled into fists against his chest. She leaned into him, her forehead resting on her hands as she repeated that same thing over and over again.

[likedillinger.livejournal.com]

The word hadn't fallen very easily off Dean's lips, even if he'd only been speaking about a potentiality, and he had to admit: this was not how he'd envisioned finally saying it, even peripherally. He could feel her shaking against him, and sense how afraid she was, and he hated himself even more for doing this to her.

Why couldn't he have left well enough alone?

Because she had to be safe, he reminded himself. He had to know, going into this, that the people he cared about... those who could be safe through this, would be. And a lot of those people now were more than capable of at least defending themselves, but Brooke had no exposure to that kind of life. It'd been one of the things he always was grateful for.

He just stood there, stoically, taking whatever beating she laid on him with her weak fists, a deep line carved into his forehead as he watched her. Finally, just once, he lifted his hand up to the back of her hair, carefully, and his lips dropped to the top of her head, where he murmured: "I know. But what's 'fair' doesn't enter into it. Promise me you'll stay safe."

[i-hadmittenson.livejournal.com]

"I can't -" Lose you got lost somewhere amidst another sob. She shook her head slightly, her fists opening only for her fingers to take hold of his shirt. Now she clung to it - to him - as she lifted her head to look at him. Dean's face was blurry through her tears, but she didn't look away. Not this time.

"Dean, please," her voice was rough from her tears, "Just... Just tell me you're coming back. Please."

Brooke's hands tightened around his shirt as she spoke. She felt nauseous and pathetic, but she didn't care; even if he was completely crazy, she couldn't handle the thought of losing him. Not like this. The idea of watching him walk out her door for the final time terrified her more than everything else they'd talked about.

"Promise me this won't be the last time I see you."

[likedillinger.livejournal.com]

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "But that's the one thing I can't promise."

His hands moved down to extricate hers from his shirt, tangling his fingers through hers, even as he gently pulled her away.

"I just needed you to know, ok? You deserved the truth, after everything I kept from you. I only did it because--"

He paused, just staring down at their hands, brow knitted in consternation. "To keep you safe, for one. And two, because I... needed it. Needed somethin' normal. In my fucked up life. Don't be mad at the others, alright? I made them keep this from you."

"Blame me."

[i-hadmittenson.livejournal.com]

It took a few moments for all of that to sink in but when it did, the tears practically stopped. She stared at him silently for a very long moment before she slapped him as hard as she could across the cheek. Her hand stung as it fell away, but it didn't hurt nearly as much as the ache in her chest.

"Don't you dare say you did it to keep me safe," she said. In that moment, she could hear Peyton telling her the same thing; that she and Lucas hadn't told her about the affair so that Brooke wouldn't get hurt. "If all of this is true, don't you think it would've been safer for me to know?"

She blamed Dean, there was definitely no doubt about that, but she was still upset with the others. So many of them were lying to her face and apparently didn't even feel guilty about it.

"Why did you even bother telling me this now? You had so many chances to come clean; what makes today any different? I trusted you, Dean. I believed every little thing you told me."

Realization sunk in and suddenly she was crying again, but she wasn't just going to fall apart anymore. Now she was pissed. "Did you even mean any of what you just said?"

[like-dillinger.livejournal.com]

The slap came so suddenly that he didn't have to move - not that he would have anyway. He deserved it. And much more. His head jerked back against the impact, and he swallowed a few times, his cheek twitching.

"I'm tellin' you now, because there's not gonna be any hidin' anything anymore, Brooke," he said, his teeth slightly gritted. "Things are gonna be happenin', and there's not gonna be anywhere to be safe from it."

She was angry, and his automatic response was to sound angry back, because it was just where he defaulted to. It was what had gotten him into trouble when he'd argued with Cassie too. He couldn't stop himself.

"Do you think I drove all the way out here first just to come and lie to you one more time?" he demanded. "I came because I wanted to give you a chance to know, from me. And because I probably deserve you kickin' my ass for it, I don't know, but at least you can do it to my face, and know that I'm not lyin' this time."

[dedicatedbitch]

"I don't know, Dean," she spat back. "I honestly don't know. Maybe you just wanted to come here and say all of this so you could get rid of me. For all I know, you don't care what happens to me, you were just telling me what I wanted to hear."

She hated that she was doubting everything now. The idea that he cared about her was something she wanted to hold on to, something she wanted to believe in so strongly. And yet here she was, doubting everything he'd ever said to her. Hell, she even found herself doubting his name.

"How am I supposed to know that you're telling the truth this time? Why should I even bothering trying to believe you?"

[likedillinger.livejournal.com]

So you could get rid of me.

It felt like recoil of one of his top ten least favorite moments in his life. He threw both hands up, slapping them back down in frustration as he spoke.

"I don't know, Brooke. I don't know why you would trust me now. I don't know what I even expected really." He turned away from her, unable to face her accusing stare right now, knowing that this was gonna be his end note on earth. It was almost funny, how fitting that actually was.

One last big chance to show the world how he was just a disappointment.

"I should go."

[i-hadmittenson.livejournal.com]

"Maybe you should have figured that out before you showed up on my doorstep."

When he turned around, Brooke felt another wave of nausea pass through her stomach. She didn't want this; she didn't want him leaving with her angry at him. She didn't want him leaving, period. But it was too hard to let go of that anger, now that she had a hold of it.

Something about it helped convince her that she could get through this, that if she just stayed angry enough eventually she wouldn't care anymore. She wouldn't have to deal with crying over him again, or worrying about him. Anger was easier than heartbreak.

When she spoke again, though, her voice was calmer. It sounded as if she wanted him to stay, like she was on the verge of forgiving him and all she needed was a little push.

"Dean, wait."

[likedillinger.livejournal.com]

"Maybe," he admitted, with biting humor. "But since when have I planned anythin' ahead?"

He was determined not to let anything she said keep him from walking out right in that moment, since he knew this was only gonna get worse, not better, and he already had enough fresh scars to take with him on that long final road.

But something in her voice seemed to literally freeze him in place, and so he halted again, his head turning back over his shoulder ever so slightly.




"What?" he said, at length.

[dedicatedbitch]

She had hoped that he would've actually turned around, but at least he stopped. As she walked towards him, she grabbed the purple monkey off the table. It took everything in her power, when she was standing in front of him, to not ask him to stay.

Briefly, Brooke looked over his face before she shoved the stuffed animal at his chest. There was pain in her eyes that probably gave her away completely, but when she spoke, her voice was hard. Sharp.

"You forgot this." She didn't even glance down at it, she just kept her eyes on Dean's face.

If he was allowed to walk out on her after all of this, after everything he said, she was allowed to do whatever she thought would help her move on. And she knew that keeping Mr. Monkey II would only cause her more pain. There was always the option of throwing it out after he left, but she didn't think she would have the strength. Hell, she still had some stuff from her time with Lucas hidden in the back of her closet.

"I don't want it anymore."

[likedillinger.livejournal.com]

As soon as he saw the flash of purple, all the hopes he hadn't let himself realize he'd held on to vanished immediately. When she shoved it at him, it was like she was knocking the wind right out of him. He stared down at it, probably looking angry, but only because he was so bewildered by the moment.

She really, honestly, just wanted him out of her life completely now.

He turned it in his hand slightly, forehead furrowed, before stepping around her slowly. He didn't make eye contact again. He really didn't want to see the look in her eyes, accusing him of all the things he'd actually done, plus being crazy on top of it.

His hand hit the door, and he pushed it open without hesitating this time. He could hear the blood rushing in his ears, as he hurried down the steps, his hand falling to his side as he reached the bottom of them, dropping the little stuffed animal where it fell, at the foot of them.

He hated the word goodbye anyway, and she obviously didn't even want to hear it. It wasn't as if he couldn't hear it clearly in his mind anyways: a memory that grew more crystal clear with every step he took towards the car.

"Just get the hell out of here, and if you know what's good for you, Dean Winchester? You'll never show your face around here again."

"Cassie, you don't--"

"No, I do. I don't wanna hear another damn excuse. Out."

With a grimace, he wrenched open the door of the car, and slid into the driver's seat. He wasn't going to look back. He couldn't.