[Log] we're singin' halleluja | and the edge in your affection broke my skin

[likedillinger]

Who: Dean and Claire Bennet (excheerleader )
What:  In which the cracks in Dean's armor start to really shine through, and he fulfills Cassandra's prophecy.
When:  Tuesday, post Dark Side of the Moon, immediately segueing in from this convo where Dean talks to Claire about heaven.
Where:  New York City, NY ; Dean's motel room
Note:  Banner made for me by marshgammon
Verse:  Brave New World

Dean had been pacing the length of the motel room restlessly as they spoke about Heaven, but he halted when Claire suggested they grab a beer instead of even bothering trying to respond to his statement that God had told them to give up.  He was immensely grateful that she didn't seem about to try to push him into reinterpreting the message into something it obviously wasn't: there was just no way to spin Joshua's message into something positive.  It'd been a slap in the face on every damn level.

Yesterday had just been one of those after another.

"Yeah, I grabbed some yesterday."  Before I got shot in the chest, he thought to himself with a grimace, as he headed towards the mini-fridge, and pulled out two bottles.  He held one out to her and cracked the lid off his own, taking a seat on the edge of the bed and finding a spot on the wall to stare at for a moment with furrowed brow.

"Anyway, it was... a helluva day," he finally said, following a moment where neither of them spoke.  After another pause, he chuckled.  "Ok, maybe bad choice of words."

Comments

[like-dillinger.livejournal.com]

His question reminded her of Sam's accusations, and he kept his eyes on the bedspread as he responded.

"I dunno. He'd buy us some takeout, but we were still... together." Well, until Dad 'passed out' as Sam had pointed out. "It's not about the big square table and the fucking turkey. It's about being with the people you love. Or at least that's what I always thought." She was fumbling her hand around and he realized she was trying to put it in his, which helped take an edge off his anger for a moment. He raised his left hand to where she was fiddling with his shirt and slid his fingers around hers.

"Anyways, that's when the lights started flickering, and these search lights came on. We knew somethin' was... wrong, so I started callin' for Cas, and he got a hold of us through the TV. He can't... come back into heaven, anymore." His fault, that. But it had been Cas' choice, and he had to remember that. "He told us Zach was lookin' for us, to send us packin' back home so we could yes to Michael and Lucifer. But that we couldn't go until we found an angel called Joshua. Who talks to God. So Cas told us to follow the road, the... Access Mundi, that led to the garden at the center of heaven."

Once again, Dean found himself at a part he wanted to skip but he forced himself to talk anyways, fingers caressing hers, as he tried to focus back on the sensation instead of what he was saying. "Sam was surprised I even wanted to follow through, but... what choice did we have? I mean... God was the only option left we had. He was the only one who could... do anything to stop all this." She already knew how that story ended, which made it harder to admit how much hope he'd poured into that.

[cheerleader]

It was amazing to her, how things could have been so upsetting five or ten minutes ago, when now she was just filled with a warm sense of absolute contentment. It was nothing more than just the way they were laying, sprawled out together, talking about the things that he wouldn't with anyone else. That was what made her feel special, more than the fact that he had kissed her, more than the fact that he was voluntarily cuddling with her. It was such a chick flick moment, that she wanted to laugh at him, but she couldn't bring herself to do that, not when he was talking about something so serious.

"God may have abandoned you and everyone else, but you still have everyone else. You and Sam can say no without him there, you two can fight, you two can do anything." And she honestly believed that, with all of her heart, that the brothers were capable of doing whatever they set their minds to.

She looked over at their intertwined hands, and smiled a little at the sight of it. He was so sweet and docile when he really wanted to be. She didn't want to ruin that by being negative and talking about God, so she instead kept him talking about heaven. It was what was most important to him, it seemed, because of Sam.

"Family being together is what makes holidays important, Dean. I didn't exactly approved of the animals I wanted as pets that you brought for dinner to Easter, but I just didn't really eat and instead was glad because you and Per- because everyone was together."

Now she was feeling guilty again, and she swallowed that down, and became quiet and somber. She focused on thinking about the poor rabbit and duck that she was supposed to have gotten as a present, to be her pets, but instead were dinner. If she was able to keep talking to Dean after this, she'd never let him live that down.

"So...what other memories of yours did you see?"

[likedillinger.livejournal.com]

Dean would have been pissed off if he knew that Claire was inwardly amused by this being a 'chick flick moment', so it was a damn good thing she kept her mouth shut on that particular opinion. Instead, he just felt vindicated when she agreed with him.

"Exactly. I don't know why he doesn't see it that way." He caught her slip about Percy, but he tried to just ignore it. "So anyways. We had to keep lookin' for that road, to get further into heaven, and... we found it in a closet." That was such a weird sentence that it caused him to laugh again. "Well technically it was this... Hot Wheels car on a track in the closet. But it was mine. I mean, from when I was... really young. Just a little kid. And then... there we were. In my bedroom. At our old house in Kansas." He struggled to keep his voice as steady as possible. "And my mom was there." Dean really wasn't sure how to explain this next part without it sounding stupid as hell.

"She made me lunch. Cut off my crusts. Sam wanted to... keep moving but..." He frowned deeply. "I didn't really want to leave. I miss her. Sam... doesn't even remember her, but I do."

[cheerleader]

"I think Sam doesn't think of family the same way you do because he doesn't remember your mom. And it sounds like he didn't really get along with your dad, so maybe he just wants the stereotypical two parents and two point five kids, complete with golden retriever and the white picket fence experience. I'm pretty sure that he'll get that with Claire, though." She shrugged, giving his hand a squeeze.

She thought about what his mom must look like, and what it must have been like for him as a kid. If Sam didn't even remember her, she must have died when they were really young. And as curious as she was, she wasn't going to ask when or how she died. "You'll get to be with her again, Dean. It may not be right away, but you'll eventually be back there, and then you won't have to leave her. But I can cut the crusts off your sandwiches until you get to go back home."

Because maybe that's what he saw his heaven as, was home. Once he got there, he wouldn't have to fight so much, and he wouldn't have to be so upset all the time. His mother could take care of him, and he could just be at peace. And really, that was what she wanted for him, was just to be happy and at ease.

"What was your mom like? If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to."

[likedillinger.livejournal.com]

"Are you so sure? I mean... it'll work for awhile, but you girls... you're not gonna... age right? I mean you're always gonna look a lot like you do now. How long is Sam's life gonna be 'normal' because of that? And I know Claire's pretty touchy on that whole kids subject." He forced himself to stop, stop talking about Sam's future as if it were this impossible dream. He wanted the kid to be happy. He really did.

But he didn't know how to believe in it - or anything - anymore.

Claire's simple reassurances made him actually realize how much that was exactly what he wanted. To be back with her again. Soon. It was a startling thought, a sobering one.

Wanting to be in heaven. Wanting to be home. To have the fight be over. Wanting it more than anything.

"No, I don't mind," he said, surprised that this, at least, was easy. "She was... Don't take this wrong way, but... you and the other Claire, you always reminded of her. Like, when I met a younger her, when the angels chucked me into the past. She was... beautiful, and tough, and kind, and loyal, and... everything she could have been." He rubbed at his eyes, as he spoke the next part: "But in, uh, in that scene, in heaven, Dad called and... he was fightin' with Mom. They used to do that sometimes. Y'know, sometimes it could get pretty bad, but... "

"But I just held her and I told her it was gonna be okay. And that I loved her, and so did Dad. And I wasn't gonna leave her." The words were almost mumbled, and there was a burning near the surface of his cheeks he wasn't really accustomed to. He coughed quickly. "She said..." But no, he couldn't go any further. Some things were just his, and it was bad enough Sam had witnessed them.

"Anyways, I wish Sam could have known her. I wish... hell, a lot of things, but that most of all. That we could have saved her. Her and Dad. Hell, we'd give anything if we could do that." His stomach swam with nausea as he remembered only months ago when him and Sam had been ready to make that sacrifice. When he'd met Michael.

[cheerleader]

"There's a man with our ability, and he's over a hundred years old. He doesn't look like he's older than being in his mid-twenties. But I was also told that he developed his ability around that age. So no, I don't think we're going to age all that well." She wanted to laugh at the fact, just to try and show that it didn't bother her. But truthfully, it did, because it made her realize that she probably wasn't ever going to have the normal life that she was so sure that Dean would be able to get. It made her a little jealous.

She was quiet as she listened to him speak of his mother, and smiled as she heard how much he cared for the woman. It had been hard to watch her own mother burn down in the Primatech building, and she had only been around for a year or so. She couldn't imagine losing your mother at a young age, after having been with her your entire life. But the comparison of his mother to her made her grin, and it just reaffirmed that Dean really did need her to take care of him.

"You're a good son, and I wish Sam could have known her too. And I'm glad that I can be like her, that you think so highly of me." And that made the fact that he had just kissed her a little fucked up, but this was Dean and his life was just made of fucked up things. So she ignored the fact that she was a mother figure and just held him tightly to her.

"My parents came back, maybe your mom will too. Then you won't have to be without her anymore, and I won't have to try and take care of you all on my own."

[likedillinger.livejournal.com]

Dean tried to imagine for a second the possibility of himself reaching an older age down the line without getting killed first, and both Claires still looking exactly the way they did now. Sam would sure as hell come out looking creepy in that equation. He wished it could be a funnier hypothetical situation.

Once again, his need for validation caused his heart to squeeze with pride a bit when she assured him he was a "good son", and he tried to pretend it didn't affect him, but his fingers tightened a bit more through hers.

"Dad came back," he said quietly. "I don't know though. The way things were up there, I don't think it's likely." The truth was he didn't want to get his hopes up. There was no point.

"Plus, I wouldn't want her to have to take care of me, Claire. I can take care of myself." There was a hint of annoyance there, though he obviously didn't mean it.

[cheerleader]

"I know you can take care of yourself, but you need someone to..." What did he really need her around to do? Well sit and talk, obviously, but did he really need her around for anything other than that? Probably not, but she liked to think that he did, just because it made her feel better, and made her feel as if she actually had some kind of purpose in existing.

"Sometimes I think that it's my job to watch after you, you know? Like...it's my reason for being around, other than balancing out Zebra. I know you don't need it, but I definitely do. So just put up with it, okay?"

She looked down at their hands, and then back up at his face, and realized just how intimate this moment really was. This part was almost worse than the fact that there had been kissing, because he was almost more personal, and much more revealing. She felt terrible, because it couldn't ever be anything more than just this, but he was telling her so much that it made it all bittersweet.

"And I'm not going to give up hope that your mom will come back. I know that you want her, and you need her back. Even if you're too stubborn to admit it would be nice to have her still cut the crusts off your sandwiches."